Scared of Sexy. You are either reading this because:

1. You fall whack bam in the centre of the statement “Scared Of Sexy”

2. You are inquisitive as to why people feel this way because you bloody love “Sexy”

3. You remember those days when you were but now you are all up in that shit.

So I thought I would share my views on the whole thing.

For many many reasons, many of us are scared of being sexy. These, I reckon, are the two main reasons:

1. The “Arse Wipe” effect.

Being sexy is synonymous to being confident. Being confident as a woman in our society is synonymous with being an “up yourself arse wipe”. And no one wants to be an arse wipe.

2. Im just NOT sexy.

The last thing you are going to do is prance about pretending that you are sex goddess if you “know” that you are NOT sexy.


I have experienced both (and still do) so I’m going to break them both down…

The “Arse Wipe Effect” Explained

I get many moments of the “arse wipe” effect. I constantly worry that if and when I say to someone, “I am happy with who I am and I will wear what I want, say what I want, dance how I want”, that they think I am just an arrogant biatch who thinks only about myself  and that I need to be brought down a peg or two. I want to scream that it’s not the case. I really care about other people and their feelings. I care how they feel about themselves and I care about how they feel about me. I don’t want people to dislike me because of the way I look or because I am a generally confident person and love a bit of sexy. But if they do dislike me on those basis then what can I do?? Nothing- so I let it go. If someone doesn’t like me for something that I actively did wrong, then that’s different.

In reality, I want all women (and men too, but in this case I am talking about women) to feel the same. I want women to dress/dance/think exactly how they want to rather than dressing/dancing/thinking in a way that won’t make them appear like arse wipes to other people. If you know that you are a good person and that you have a good heart and love and care about the people that love and care about you too then you will still be that good person if you are a confident, sexy person too. Your idea of sexy and confident may be different to mine. Which is also abso-cool by me.

Im just NOT Sexy

I have been in both categories. I used to think I was just not sexy so I wasn’t going to force a sexy side upon others and give them nightmares. Generally speaking, we think of set requirements that “entitle” us to be sexy. If you don’t meet the requirements, you should just be agoraphobic and not offend everyone with your face and body. Like when people say they will lose weight before they go to a pole class. Because people have a misconception that shouts “Pole= For Sexy People” and that “Slim Build Only=Sexy”, they will have to get slim before they go to a pole class. I mean, what a fucking waste. Think of all of the amazing women I could have met at pole that I probably won’t ever get to meet because of this.

I find lots of parts of my looks and personality as absolutely categorically NOT sexy. But I don’t dwell on them. I’m always the first to laugh at my concave bum, my flaky scalp, my bacne, volcano pores and rapidly early ageing signs. Yeah, I would rather look like a walking airbrush model forevs like, but no, I’m not going to. And that’s cool (she says, weeping tears into the keyboard). I won’t say that I “embrace my flaws”, because I don’t. The difference is that, I like parts of my body and parts of my personality. When I look at other people, I like enjoying and embracing all the things that they have that I don’t. For instance, good skin, patience, shy charm, bubble butts, teeny waists, amazonian waists, thick thighs, rocking short hair, natural olive skin, owning pale skin, wisdom and… yes….delicate ankles. The list could go on for eternity. I think that when I realised this, I was hit an epiphany. I remember thinking, “ah, there ARE things I quite like about myself, so I’m going to go gung ho with them and then I can just enjoy all the other stuff on other people”. Best of both worlds! I mean, I remember actually wanting to be 5ft 2″ and 6ft at the same time. I remember wanting to have an arse like a monster shelf and an arse that was small and peachy at the same time. I mean, what the fuck? Hahahaha. I realised that I loved so many contradicting qualities in other people and saw the sexiness in so many people and that it goes both ways. Everyone really is sexy. You just need to allow yourself to see it!


Like I said earlier, being sexy means different things to different people. Whatever it is to you;  enjoy it, do it, embrace it. Be #NotScaredOfSexy

It’s also the annual Bringing Sexy Back time as organised by United Pole Artists for pole dancers and women that want to bring out their sexy side with pics and vids. It’s a community of people having one big celebration of unapologetic sexy. Go get some here

Tiff xxx


  • Tina Warren says:

    Thank you for this Tiff. A very interesting subject that deserves to be pondered. I am reluctant to be sexy in real life ie off stage as I am scared of attracting male attention. Something inside me says it is wrong and I don’t know why. Think cos i am scared of men, full stop. NOT that I ever think that of other women who dress or act sexy.

    • Tiff says:

      You are an absolute advocate for women to be sexy Tina. Many women look up to you. It’s funny that you would be scared of men. You have a body, face and “way about you” that oozes sex appeal. I wonder if you are scared of men or if it is something else??

  • Ruth Battersea says:

    An interesting topic to discuss ☺. I guess I would put myself ‘on the road to sexy’. Its in me, I know from the music and clothes im drawn to, from the performers I admire, that I love sexy. At present I find it hard to really let it out when it comes to myself and I think that’s down to self doubt as you say. But, im getting better in time!
    I think many women have had experiences in the past where they have been made to feel unhappy about themselves physically and mentally and have developed a negative self image which makes it very difficult to feel sexy. If somebody has treated you like you are worthless after a while you begin to believe it.
    I escaped a bad place into my career which I love but it is my pole journey which has really helped me feel happy being my true personality. Pole has introduced me to many amazing people and taught me not to doubt my capabilities. I get to keep fit, have fun and rock out with my pole family who have become the best friends ive ever had. We remind each other of our own positive qualities and what we love about each other. An atmosphere like this can really help break that cage of negative self image and allow your soul to escape. I know i’ll never go back there and the next step…releasing the inner sexy, is a whole new journey im looking forward to ☺

    • Tiff says:

      Thanks so much for that reply Ruth, it’s great to hear about other peoples honest views. Not enough people are honest! It’s a long road eh!? I challenge you to do a full on hot ass, self indulgent, no big tricks pole freestyle vid and tag me. I would LOVE to see it xx

      • Ruth Battersea says:

        Im on the mission at present! haven’t taken my heels off since the authentics and been doing more playing on the floor :) I spent time on a routine I performed a few weeks back which ive had in my head for ages but my own criticism of it having watched it back is…too many tricks into a fast song…not enough flow, not enough sexy (apart from the costume, im proud of that one) haha!! But it was my second ever performance and I see it as progress and a learning curve. I have 2 performances scheduled now before the end of the year and cant wait to play with the music and see what happens. Got lots of ideas :)

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